Rachel (00:01):
You're listening to relationship coaching with Rachel. This is where you learn how to ditch the drama with your mama.
Rachel (00:19):
Hey, everybody, it's really good to be back with you today. I am in my, what I'm calling the coaching cottage. I have no idea what I'm calling it. If you wanna go to my Instagram account and check it out, my husband had this amazing idea, and this is actually something that I had on my manifestation list. I want an outside cottage, which is, I love the word cottage for some reason and a beautiful backyard and had all these things on my manifestation list. And my husband a few months ago was like, Hey, let's go look at sheds. And I'm like, no, we're not doing that. He's like, no, no, no, but you haven't seen these sheds. I'm like, don't. I'm not interested. I think this was back in February or March, we looked at 'em and I was like this might be kind of nice.
Rachel (01:12):
So he made it happen as of course he does. Thank you, Baxter. And it is a fantastic place for me to work without mostly without being interrupted, which was my biggest kind of complaint that I had about working in the house. There's a lot going on. If you work from home, you feel the pain, you feel the struggle. But I'm out here in the coaching cottage, or I like to call it PeeWee's Playhouse sometimes. So yeah, I'm out here. My dog number two is asleep in here and dog number one is inside laying on the couch. So I am so happy to be back with y'all and I wanna talk about different types of mama drama that you could have. I've had a couple of emails here and there asking, does this actually qualify as mama drama? Or like, you know, it could be something really small, so I'm gonna go through 'em and I have to say it was, it's kind of funny because I'm like I'm gonna try to come up with seven different scenarios of mama drama, but I just kept adding to the list.
Rachel (02:23):
So this is as long as it is. So, the first one I want to talk about is body image drama. Okay. If anyone can relate, I'm raising my hand and for some of us, this comes from our mother, this message that we have maybe not directly heard from our mothers, but just a reminder, our mothers, probably your mother is your first relationship. And even if she didn't say anything, you may have mirrored some not so healthy body image issues or food issues, or, you know, we just naturally mirror the people who are taking care of us when we were kids. I just talked to a friend of mine, Tori, and we have a, a really, really good discussion about like, she just, her mom never said anything, but she just ended up with some body image and some food drama issues.
Rachel (03:26):
And, you know, we have a really good discussion about that. And I've talked to so many women who are like, yeah, I learned it from my mother or maybe the drama is your mom says not so great things around your body, or maybe she's talking bad about her body. And you're like, wow, well, if I came from her, we just make these interesting associations. Well, like if mom is treating her body badly or negatively, maybe I should do the same thing. Or maybe I should also go on a diet. Maybe if you saw that with your mom. So there's a lot of conversations going on. And some of the groups I'm in about like, Hey, this is where I learned this like not really healthy pattern. So if that's you, you might want to continue on listening. So and I have my own food body image, drama thing going on, and it didn't necessarily come from my mother, but some of the things that she has said over time or over the years have impacted me.
Rachel (04:39):
And they weren't about me. Some of them might have been, but not in a big way. Also another mama drama issue is money drama. Where did you learn your money from? The care of your money, where did that come from? How did you take care of your money? What did you always hear? There's not enough money to go around or,maybe your mom or your parents valued certain things. And you picked up this value system where you borrowed this value system from your mother. And whether it's like, we don't know how to manage money properly, or,maybe you had the thought growing up or maybe your mom said, you know, people that make a lot of money are bad. Now, I didn't hear this from my mother, but I think I heard it from my grandparents who were raised in the depression era around,you don't wanna rise above your station, you know, like no, where you came from there. And I like to call in my family. I call it poor mouth. If you, if you're from the south,I call it poor 'mouthin. I don't wanna hear any poor mouth talk because it's not helpful. So that's what I call it. And it is, everyone has a different value, money, value systems. And we'll talk about all of these in depths in separate podcasts, but I wanted to just bring that up for you.
Rachel (06:14):
Another one that I really didn't pick up on until someone I was interviewing, I think it was a fellow coach. She's like, you know, I don't really know if this is a mama drama issue, but I have a really hard time with my mother because she doesn't show emotions. I will tell you that's mama drama. Like if she doesn't show emotions and it's difficult for you, and you're not sure what emotions you should also show. So what, what I'm saying is we mirror our mothers. Typically we mirror, or you might go the opposite direction. Like if your mom was you know, kind of a spin thrift, you might be really holding onto your money a lot. So just think about this as I'm, as I'm talking in different scenarios around drama with your mama. So one of 'em was mom doesn't show her emotions.
Rachel (07:14):
I thought that was really interesting. Or mom says mean things. Now that's gonna, that hits me in the heart because that's my mom story. I feel like she, I felt like she would say mean things on purpose, you know? And I had a lot of work to do around. I always thought that she was mean. I mean, she's really not mean, but sometimes moms can say mean things. And I think, you know, it's interesting when I say that, because if someone else had said the same exact thing, I would've interpreted it differently, but it's almost like, because it comes from her, we're just gonna make it mean something completely different or maybe way bigger than it needs to be. So if that sounds like you, I want to hear from you, please. We have a lot to discuss, or like I talked in the last couple of episodes around boundaries.
Rachel (08:14):
Do you have kind of, I like to call it Swiss cheese for boundaries around your mom. Do you feel like you don't know where you stop? And she starts, it's very overlapping almost like an enmeshed type of relationship, that's another mama drama issue, or I get this one a lot and I've kind of touched on this here and there, but some women come to me and they're like, look, I have a massive problem with my mom. And she's been gone for 10 years or she's been gone for five years or she died when I was very young. So those are still some unresolved issues. So that's another form of drama. And again, I was like, does that technically qualify? And I was like, of course it does. If you are still having those thoughts about your mom, you can actually change those thoughts into something a lot more helpful.
Rachel (09:17):
I'm not gonna turn this into positive thinking because there's a lot that goes on with positive thinking, but we have to start having more helpful thoughts around our relationships before we can have really good thoughts about our relationships, or maybe there's a sense of betrayal between you and your mother. Maybe she did something and you interpreted that as complete betrayal. Maybe it was trust. Maybe it was betrayal in a relationship. Maybe she said something that you specifically said not to say, that's also a thing, right? This betrayal, like how could she do this? Or maybe it's something that you remember when you were a kid, maybe there's relationship mama drama over a broken relationship. Look, my parents are still together and my husband's parents are still together. So I don't have any firsthand experience with divorce in that realm. But I do know that sense of like a, a betrayal or a mistrust that had gone on and it's stuff that I've worked on and healing from and really putting the work in.
Rachel (10:46):
And I will say I just wrote this down a few hours ago. I just had this thought of like, why don't I was asking myself, why don't people do more of this work? Like, this is so good. This work that I've done around the relationship with my mother is so it's, it's been so helpful because I can let her be her and I still get to be myself. And I came up with this idea. I had this thought happen and I wrote down these words, transformation work is the hardest and most rewarding work. It's hard. There's no way around it, but it's so y'all, it is so liberating. I can't even tell you. So that's probably why people don't do the work is because like it's too scary. It's too big. It's too. What is she gonna say? What is she gonna think?
Rachel (11:40):
Okay. I also had someone in the Facebook group say, this broke my heart. She's like, I have been the dutiful daughter and she never appreciates me. And she did go into this story about like, my mom's getting older and I've always helped her and which meant she put herself on the back burner to help her mother. So like she just came running anytime that her mom needed her. And, you know, I don't know all the specifics of that, but she labeled herself the dutiful daughter and I would love to caution you on labeling yourself. Okay. Because when we label ourselves, it gives, it makes us think that there's no way out. Okay. I want you to really think about like, if you've labeled yourself, the dutiful daughter, or I used to call myself the black sheep I was the outlier.
Rachel (12:39):
I was the wild and crazy one, or I was the one that didn't follow the rules. Although I was like, I'm a rule follower, but then I would like completely rebel. And, and some of the labels were kind of picked up from, you know, my parents or my mother. And then I took on those labels and I made myself fit the mold. So just be really cautious when you're giving yourself some of these labels. So yeah. Betrayal is one mistrust. Drama is one you can also have, oh, I know what it is. Mother-In-Law drama. And I was like, oh, I never thought of that. But someone's like, I have a major issue with my mother-in-law. And I was like, yeah, let's talk, because it's the same thing. I mean, relationships are relationships and you know, whether it's your mother mother-in-law you're still involved with them.
Rachel (13:34):
Right. Or your mother's thoughts about you. Like, I know what she's thinking. I used to do this all the time. Like I know what she's thinking. She's thinking I'm a flake. Listen, I was a yoga teacher before yoga teaching was cool. And my, I could just see my mother rolling her eyes. She's like, you're just different. And so I put on the label, I'm just different. And so I just carried that around with me and I look we're all different at the end. Okay. So that was obviously more than seven and I'm gonna keep going because it's, have you ever been in that position? Like every idea creates five more ideas and you're like, the list is so long now, but I'm just gonna keep going because, and I might keep going in other episodes when I start talking to even more people and get more ideas.
Rachel (14:23):
So another mama drama issue is the blame and shame drama. Yeah, we've all been there. Maybe we've been the ones to blame and shame, but a lot of times we feel shame because of something or maybe we've gotten blamed for something and that's, you know, that's, that's kind of normal. We all go through this, but sometimes things can kind, kind of stick that can be real sticky and you can hold on to that because it keeps getting brought up. Okay. Or maybe your mom acts very immature or maybe immature or maybe she's the one that acts like a child, like you're the adult. And she's like, oh, thank God. Someone can take care of me. There's a lot of that going on too with some people. I think for people my age, I'm in my fifties, there's aging and ill parents, my parents.
Rachel (15:26):
Thank goodness. They're okay. They do have a couple of health issues here and there, but nothing major. Some people they're like, Hey, my mom, I've always had a toxic relationship with my mom, but now she's really sick or she's got me memory problems or, you know, just the general aging problems that are going on and maybe they've gone, no contact. And then all of a sudden they're, you're back in it. There's a lot of that going on too. That can be really, that can be a real big struggle for a lot of people. I think in general, but if you've had issues with your mother in the past, that can really, that can be like this new thing for you. And maybe you're not sure how to handle that. Or I brought this up several times because I think it's, it has to be said, the mom's mom thinks it's her job to criticize. I mean, whose mom doesn't think it's their job to criticize. Maybe your mom doesn't think it's their job, but a lot of us look, she's just gonna state the obvious I changed criticizing to, Hey, she's just gonna state the obvious and just letting her do it. It's so liberating. We've gotta get to the awareness of like, what do we, what's our role in this? How do we want to come out of the conversation? Or maybe there's no contact drama. Maybe you really wanna go no contact because you think that is the solution.
Rachel (17:02):
And it might be, and I'm always gonna be supportive of you, whether you want to go no contact, low contact, full contact, who knows? Or maybe you just need to take a break without feeling guilty. There's that guilt drama too, man. We could go on and on, but I also wanna keep this under 30 minutes. So so there's all different kinds of mama drama. And I always thought, you know, like, oh, we all have the same issue. Like mom just says main things or I'm never gonna be good enough. Oh yeah. There's that drama too. I'm never gonna be good enough drama. I used to think that it was just, just a handful of things. Like there's just like five things that moms are gonna do that are gonna drive us bananas. And really when I started digging a little deeper y'all that we got work to do, we have a lot of work to do around our mothers.
Rachel (17:59):
And I wanna tell you, once again, you're not here to change her. I can't change my mother. If that were possible I'd be rich. I'd be like, I'd be selling it everywhere, but we can't change other people. You know that. So how can you have a relationship or go no contact or go low contact or just get yourself back without her having to change. You decide what kind of boundaries you want. You've got to step into this work. I'm telling you it's the work is not gonna do itself. The work is transformational. And when something is everything hard that I have done in my life, challenged myself, every like life event that I was like, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I always look back and say, thank God I did the work. And didn't just like, push it down and ignore. I mean, I would ignore it, but I eventually had to do this work and I heard something. I can't remember who I heard it from, but it was like the truth. What you, the work that you need to do, do it as soon as you can, because life has an interesting way.
Rachel (19:24):
I've given you this work at the most. I would say the most difficult time. If you haven't done the work, you're gonna be so proud of yourself for doing this work. First of all, you're going to be more compassionate with yourself when you do the work that you need to do by planning ahead of time, by looking at the data over the drama, ditching that drama like this is not necessary and I'm not indulging in this, looking at the emotions, getting more helpful thoughts in your thought bank, right? I've got all kinds of tools and I'm so excited to share with you. And I cannot wait to take each and every one of these topics and give you some solutions. But listen, I can give you the solutions, but you gotta do the work on yourself. It's beautiful work. It's transformational. It's not easy, but you can take it little by little baby steps and tiny goals. Now, if you could use some more coaching on this, you can go to www.rachelkhudson.com And click the tab that says work with me and we can schedule a free consultation. Thank you so much for listening today. I will be back next week with more helpful tips, advice and tools so that you can ditch the drama with your mama.
