You're listening to Relationship Coaching with Rachel, episode 57, where I talk to my friend Megan about her book The Selfish Hour. Now, I just want to say that this book really spoke to me because as a relationship coach, as a teacher of meditation and yoga, I absolutely know how important it is to create that sacred time for yourself. So Megan, hi. Welcome to the podcast. How are you?
I am good. Thank you so much for having me on today. I'm so excited to be here. And I was curious if you were going to attempt my last name, or you just said Megan and let it go.
No, Megan. Just Megan.
So yeah, it's Megan Weisheipl. That's how you say that difficult last name. I
I would've messed that totally up.
Everybody does. Everybody does. But it's all good. I married a German man. My maiden name was Phillips.
Oh, that's easy.
So I changed my last name, but had I known what I've been doing today, maybe I wouldn't have changed it, but I'm proud to, proud to have it. But yeah, I'm super excited to be on your podcast today.
Yeah, I know we've known each other for a little while, but before we get started, I would love for you to promote, and plug anything that you've got going on, all the socials, all the things. So go for it.
Let's send some plugs. Love it. So something I am extremely proud of and excited about is I have my first book coming out May 3rd. It is called The Selfish Hour. It is four, maybe even five years in the making that it has taken me to get this book out. And we can get into this a little later, but I just had so many negative stories in my head of like, you are not a writer. Who do you think you are? You're not ever going to publish a book. And you know what? I've overcome every one of those stories. May 3rd, you can find it on Amazon or anywhere you can buy books is the selfish hour. Or if you want to sneak peek into it, you can go to my website, which is Megan, m e g a n speaks s p e a k s.com, and you can download the intro and the first chapter of the book to get a sneak peek, to get a feel for it if it is something that you're into.
Because it's really about how I was able to transform my entire life in one hour a day. And in that one hour, I just really focused on my mindset and shifting all those thoughts. But it helped me to walk away from my corporate job at 37 years old with two small kids being the breadwinner of my family to then starting a business, getting everything, having really crappy years, liquidating a 401k to make myself survive financially. But then getting to a point now where I have created this amazing life for myself, and I always say, I created a life from a life I didn't want. I was already living in that life. And I was like, I don't want this work life that I have. So I created a life that I really truly wanted from what I didn't want.
I had the opportunity to read those first pages in that first chapter, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is going to be so good. I cannot wait to get my hands on a copy of your book. So yeah, thank
You. May 3rd make sure you order it.
Yes. Yeah. And I like my husband read a little bit. He's like, oh my gosh, where can I get this book? I'm like, what? That's so cool. So
Total side note before you go there, because my husband said that too, because really my focus has always been on women, especially working moms, women, because that's who I am. So that's where I thought my focus was. And then this weekend I was, my husband kept telling me, Megan, you appeal to more than just women. Your message resonates with me and other men. And I kept kind of blowing it off. And then I do a keynote speech this weekend, and mind you, there were only four men there out of the 300, but all four of them made a point to come up to me, one in tears saying, you have helped me so much. But it just really made me think. I was like, oh, do I appeal to more than just women? So it's having you say that your husband said the same thing. It's got my wheels turned. Yeah.
Talk a little bit about how we connected, how we first met, and we've kind of been fast friends ever since that moment.
The very first zoom we were on, so when, oh, when was it? July of 21. So almost two years ago, we both were getting our life coach certification. And the very first Zoom that we were on, there was 10 women in our coach all over the world. It was literally, it was fun. Our Zoom was filled, but each of us had to share a couple of minutes about ourselves. And as soon as you shared, I don't even know, I think I even said it when I shared, I was like, I want to connect with Rachel. I just wanted to connect with her. She's my people. Her, I just resonated with your message and kind of your past history and where I was at that time, because at that point I was six months, I was alcohol free. And I was like, I totally resonate with you and where you are and let's connect. And that started the friendship that has never stopped.
And I love telling people that I get the privilege of coaching, and I volunteer coach for a group called Women Who Don't Drink, and I love it. And a lot of us, I mean, there's a little bit of shame in like, oh, I have some struggles with alcohol. And I'm like, there's no shame. It was literally promoted to us. But from the time we were little until now, I just think people have more awareness and more choices now than we ever have. But yeah, so we connected straight away. We got to coach each other. I feel like coach training, I'm like, everybody knows everybody's soul
Issues. We know all the skeletons in everybody else's closet. And I think the part for me that was so awesome, it's a judgment free zone. Whatever you tell me is totally fine and safe, and we're going to help you shift your mindset around it in the present day to help you move forward. And that's great about it. And what I love about you was there was a moment that I had a breakdown because my husband had covid and I was full-time taking care of the kids, and there were just all kinds of stuff going on. And I still had wine in my house. And I was like, no one's going to know. No one's going to know if I just have a glass of wine to escape how I'm feeling right now. And I message you, I was like, I need coaching right now. When can you talk? Right? And the next morning we were on a call.
Yes. And it was great.
That's the beauty of what we have. That's the friendship there.
And I think coaching helps us create, I mean, humans are compassionate, I think, anyway, but it helps you create even more compassion because on the other side of that call there, the person that you're completely trusting with your story and with all of your crap that is going, all of your own judgments that you know may have about, I don't know, your partner or your parents or whatever, and you're like, I shouldn't be thinking this way. But on the other side, you totally trust that person. Not just giving you advice, but just really saying it's okay. Yeah, about human brains and this is what they do sometimes. So yeah, I love that we connected. I feel like we've been friends way longer than two years, but that's another story. Well, what was it like for you growing up?
So I am a small town country girl from northeast Ohio. And when people see me now, they're like, you did Will you lived where? What? Because it's not how I show myself these days. But yeah, I'm a small town country girl. I grew up on 75 acres, so it was like, yeah, huge. But my parents hunted a lot of the land, and that's what I'm saying. I graduated 57 people. So it was really small town, country, and this is what it kind of leads to the book and to the way I grew up. My father's a functioning alcoholic and now so is my one brother. And my older brother turned his back on the family because everybody drank and there was a lot of dysfunction there. But I didn't know it was dysfunction. I just thought it was normal. This is what it is. Our family drinks, and if you don't drink, you are odd. Mind you, my brothers are 15 and 11 years older than me, but I just grew up that everybody drank.
That was your normal.
That was my normal. And honestly, I didn't know it was abnormal until I was in my twenties and I had moved away to go to college in Philadelphia. And I started to meet more people from all around the world, obviously in Philadelphia, it was a very international hub. And when I started to tell people like, well, you don't have a beer with dinner. And they're like, no, you don't. You could have a glass of water. And I was like, that's weird. That's weird. Wow.
I didn't know it was my normal. So that was the way I also learned to cope with things was to drink them away. We don't deal, we drink. And that's just what I thought. And I also realized that when I had finally moved away from my family and I met my still now best friend that I met in college. She was very deep and talk about your feelings and let's sit down and really have a conversation. And I was like, this is so awkward and uncomfortable because until her, in my twenties, I had never started a sentence with the words, I feel like this is how I feel about something. Because when you were raised in an environment where alcohol is in the middle of all of it, alcohol is to void yourself of emotions. So my dad was not an emotional person. So my mom then became codependent in that space. And anytime something would come up or would be tough, he would be just, you stop that crying, stop that crying. Don't do that. Don't basically don't feel,
Yeah, how dare you, Megan, how dare you
Feel? Stop that crying. So that's just how I learned to cope was like, you don't cry, you don't feel, you just have a drink and it'll all go away. Even Snoop Dogg says it, have a corona on the beach and all your troubles will go away.
Yeah, we think that, let me ask you this, because this is something that I see. Do you think, just looking back, that although alcohol was to avoid things or help you avoid or your family avoid things, do you feel like it was I am? I'm a visual person. It's the centerpiece of the table
And it's like, yeah, that is. That's just what we have every day.
I made a great
I made a comment one time and I can't remember where I was speaking of, I dunno if it was on a stage or where it was, but somebody asked me something similar. And I said, if you pulled away our family an onion, there'd be a bottle of beer in the center. Oh
My gosh. I love that.
That's really kind of how I see it. So when I was in my early twenties, I had come back from visiting my parents in Ohio, was back in Philadelphia. And the only thing I would do with my dad is drink. We would sit around and we'd drink, but I thought that was our relationship. Like, hey, we drink and we get a little saucy and tell stories and whatever. And that to me felt totally normal. And then I come back to Philadelphia one time and I was like, oh, I'm tired. After a six hour drive back, I'm going to go to the bar and have some beers that seems normal. And all of a sudden I was like, I'm my dad.
I'm turning into my dad. And I didn't like that feeling. And I started to mess up at work a little more. Cause I was partying all the time. But to me, but also I had surrounded myself with friends that that's what they did. We found our first job out of college, we finally making a little bit of money. You have your own apartment, you're living in Philadelphia, you can walk to everything so you have felt safe. I'm like, walk into bars, which is fine. And then we would party because we had some money. And then I just started to realize, I'm like, I don't want to turn into that. So I stepped away. I put myself in AA for six months and really tried to figure myself out. And it was really, I think that was the first time though in that journey that I realized that my dad could be labeled as an alcoholic. To me, he was, oh,
You've never seen that really before?
No, no. My aunt actually called me up when I said, Hey, I put myself into aa. And she's like, the first thing you have to deal with is that your father's an alcoholic. You've never dealt with that. And then I realized, oh, I'm an adult child and an alcoholic that doesn't know how to handle, I've never been emotional. I don't have any emotional coping skills for anything. And I was 24 at that time. So that was really my journey. And it was more in that six months, it wasn't so much about, Hey mom, Megan and I have a drinky pro. It was like, how do, what is this feeling inside of me? I don't even understand. Is that happy? Is that sad? Is that anxiety? Is that, what are these feelings? So it was really about learning that stuff. And I tell my husband with our daughters, I'm like, they should teach this in school. How
Can they not
Understand your emotions? I don't want algebra. I want you to understand your emotions. Any
Want that, all the other things.
Correct. And that's why there's so many issues for people now because they've never been taught the right coping mechanisms to deal with your emotions as you get older.
So was there a big pivotal moment that I finally realized I've voluntarily been crawling on broken glass and then I woke up? Were there any of those times or did it happen gradually? Was there one thing or is it, I'm just not feeling that great.
So after six months, I went back to drinking because I was like, I just need to go through Al-Anon and I need to process that I'm an adult child and an alcoholic and go through it that way. So I was still drinking, but in my head I was like, I have it in control. Right, our control. I'm good. Yeah, I'm so good. So fast forward to about two years ago, and it wasn't that drinking was an issue in my life, but again, I was using it to escape or to numb things, to not deal with things, but not to a point of damaging my marriage or damaging my career or anything like that, just to take the edge off. But two years ago I was doing, I do dry January every year, but then I was sitting in my office towards the end of January, and I can only explain it as I felt like there was this tap on my shoulder, and I just started crying.
I just started bawling, like a primal cry that was coming from my soul. And I knew what I had to do. I knew that I needed to, it was time to stop alcohol forever. It was just time to deal and to learn and to face the emotions and learn how to process them correctly and all of that. But I was scared because that's one of the things that connected my husband and I, we would sit down on Friday nights and we would have Prosecco Fridays and we would talk about our dreams and have all these amazing conversations when the kids went to bed or watching sports and having a beer. And I was like, if I take that part out of our marriage, how will this affect it? So it took me three days before I even told him this, that I wanted to take a year off, and he gave me some pushback. Oh, really? Because yeah. Well, he was supportive, but he's like, he's a collegiate baseball coach, so he has this mindset about if you commit to something, you got to do it.
Oh, okay. So
There are two parts to it, because you can make a decision to do something, but then you have to follow it up with a commitment. So I made the decision to quit drinking, but I still was wavering on that commitment part. And he's like, if you do this and you take a year off of drinking, you have to commit to it. And we have all these vacations planned. Your best friend's turning 40, you have a girls' trip. How are you going to do all of this?
Yeah, timing. Wow.
Because everything, this was 2021, so this is the year after the pandemic when everything got canceled the year before. So you rebook it, everything for the next year. And I'm like, oh yeah, so this is a lot now. So I did it till March, and then I was like, okay, if I can make it till March, I can make it till July. If I can make it to July, then I can make it to the end of the year. And now it's been two years and three months that I haven't had a drink of alcohol. And it's the best decision that I ever made because I felt like it was on my terms. I chose to do it, and it didn't come without struggles. It didn't come without,
It's not like I'm never going to want it again. I think a lot, well, oh, I'm just going to quit. It'll be so easy, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, wow, I didn't realize how many bottles of wine I was drinking a week, whatever.
Well, my joke is, I was like, what do you do with your hands on a Friday night? I don't know what to do with my hands.
There's a bit of, you know, might feel lost without it
100%. And me holding a bottle of water didn't feel right either. I was like, I just don't want to hold a bottle of water. So it took me, here's an interesting part of it. It was probably eight months going alcohol free. Before I wanted to have non-alcoholic drinks, meaning a non-alcoholic beer, non-alcoholic wine. Because in my mind I was like, if it's not going to take the edge off, why would I do that? I couldn't.
Yeah, we're not really doing it for the taste.
I wasn't doing it for the taste. I was doing it to escape some feelings that I didn't want to feel. So it took me a while. But now I have my non-alcoholic beers. I have my non-alcoholic wines, my non-alcoholic Proseccos cocktails. I have everything that I enjoy. So when we go to weddings and we go to functions, I bring my little cooler bag and we have our stuff and all of our friends and everybody knows that the white CES don't drink because my husband ended up doing it with me, and he went alcohol free as well. He did it at first to support. And then I was like, well, why are you doing this? I know my reasons, but what's yours? And he's like, I've never felt better. My insides feel so good. And he's also a certified strength and conditioning coach, so he is always in the gym and he's like, I could see the difference in my body when I removed the toxins and just focus on my health. So he's like, I could see the difference in it. So yeah, now we show up, we have our own little cooler and everybody's fine with it and they know it's our thing.
And your friend turned 40 and the world didn't end because you weren't drinking.
It was tough at moments, but it was also one of those, every guy, every girl around me was hammered. And I'm like, is that what I used to look like
A drunk chick? Yeah, you're like, that was me. At some point.
I'm like, I'm okay. I'm good.
I'm good. I see firsthand. Were you also a little bit at some point concerned that you were going to pass this stuff along to your two girls?
100%. And I didn't want them growing up in an environment. And not that my childhood was bad by any means, right? Because I didn't know I enjoyed it. I didn't know the difference until my twenties. And now I'm dealing with it in my thirties and forties to learn how to feel again or for the first time ever. So I didn't want them. I have a 10 year old and a seven year old daughter, and I didn't want them growing up in that environment because it also is hereditary. It runs in their blood. So if I can teach them how to process things and teach them, I'm never going to tell them, no, you shouldn't drink. But I'm going to let them know my story and their dad's story, my husband's story. They will see that and they will understand. But I hope that I am teaching them that having alcohol in your life is not the only way to be happy and have fun.
And you're teaching 'em how to feel,
Teaching 'em how to feel. Yeah. Yes.
It's a beautiful thing. It really is. I think I love where we are right now in the feelings world.
It wasn't until my mid, no, probably in my forties, I said that I actually felt a feeling from beginning to end. My gut feels sour, my hands are sweaty, I'm feeling very anxious. My heart is pounding. Or guess what? It goes away. There's a beginning to it. There's a middle to it and there's an end to it. But for me, when I would feel anxious, and I suffered with anxiety for a big part of my life, but that's why I had two vices. One, I would go to the gym first thing in the morning because that to me set the tone for my day to deal with my anxiety. And at the end of the day, I would have a couple of drinks because that would even me back out, look, your
It was my bookends and I thought it was a well oiled machine. I thought I had it all figured out. I
Secret. This is the secret. You get up really early, you go to the gym and then you work hard all day. You have some drinks, and if you have too many drinks, the gym is the eraser in the morning to get you right back on track. You'll sweat it out and you go again. Genius, I thought. And in my twenties it worked. I'm not going to lie, it worked. But then I ended up in AA in
The twenties. Yeah,
It worked till a point.
What was your relationship with your mother?
My mom's a saint. She put up, well, because she has a husband. My parents have been married for almost 60 years. I think they're at 59 years, was January. So they have been together for a really long time since they were like 19. And she's a saint from what she's put up with my dad. Then my two brothers. So my oldest brother went estranged from our family for 30 years,
Because of my dad's drinking. When he got married young and had a kid, he's like, I don't want my children around this. So my mom sided with my dad. This is my husband, unconditional love of you. Choosing another way sides with my dad, my other brother, more like my dad, workaholic, alcoholic, just kind of right in that space. And then I come along the loudest, the most expensive kid there was. And my mom was all about me. She took me to, I was in every single dance, gymnastics, everything as a kid. So our relationship, even to this day, I talk to her daily on the telephone, but it's actually very good that our relationship is over the phone. I haven't lived near her for 20 years. I see them a couple of times a year. And even before I see them, I have anxiety. I already create scenarios that are going to happen before I see my parents because my mother and i's relationship is very good, but sometimes I feel like the parent in the relationship.
That is really, really common from a lot of women that I hear mean. Listen, my big thing is our mothers are our first relationships and that relationship is going to drive our other relationships. And we really, I just like, you can't escape. It's not like all moms are bad or all moms are this one way or another way. But what I've seen in talking to so many women is, and some men too, they really set, there's a set point and sometimes you have to be the adult. And I hear that so much. I have to be the adult now. Whether a parent is not physically well or just like, oh, now we know our feelings, mom's not interested or another reason. But I think it's really important to touch on that mother-daughter relationship and just really that looks for all of us women. I
Realized with my mom was she still has an insecurity that she didn't go to college. Now you're going back how many years? So it wasn't that a lot of women were going to college. She went to cosmetology school and she was a hairdresser her entire life. But she would always make these comments and still does like, ah, you need a college education to do that. Or even, I don't know, working my cell phone, trying to teach your 80 year old mom how to work an iPhone. You're like, oh geez. But she's like, I don't know, you need a college education. Or how do you find the map to put that in there to get your location? And I'll show her six times. But I just realized that her insecurity of doing that had rubbed off on me as a kid. And I didn't even realize it because my core story that I always tell myself is that I'm stupid. And it wasn't until years later that I would look back and I was like, no wonder why my mom was always cutting herself down.
We mirror it. We really
Did. So I did it. So I'm really trying to never do that in front of my girls. And anytime they say something like that, I will try to change their story and help them rework that. Not that everything has to be rainbows and sunshine and look at everything positive because you can't know the positive if you don't know the negative. But it's just really understanding how they work together. The other piece that I realized was that I've done the opposite. So my mom was always about fitting in and not to the extreme, but this is what everybody else is doing. Let's do this and let's do this. It wasn't even about your individuality, it was just like, oh, this is the current clothing trend or this is this. And she would just have me with all of that, which I didn't know was good or bad. I didn't have any feelings towards it till now when I'm older, I'm all about my girls, you don't have to do what everybody else is doing.
We're a superhero costume. Yeah, I don't care. Do your own thing. And my oldest daughter is a huge Harry Potter fan. And in Harry Potter there's Luna Lovegood, which is the unique girl just kind of following the beat of her own drum. And we're all about Luna Lovegood in our house because it's all about your uniqueness and celebrating. And my girls are always like, mom, you're so weird because I'll be dancing in the kitchen and whatever. I'm like, we embrace our weirdness in this house. This is your unique, that's what God gave you. Own it. Don't try to fit in. Be your own person. And that was something I was never taught. So I really bring that to my girls now and just, I did a keynote this weekend and somebody said to me, they're like, you're so funny on stage. And I'm really, that is not a cat ever.
I can say some funny things, but when I was just in that environment, my uniqueness and my body mannerisms of things made it funny. But that was just me being me. It's embracing that weirdo part of yourself and not shying away from it and allowing that part to shine. And then everybody loves it. So the way the selfish hour came about, I was working in corporate and my husband was actually in between jobs. We could say unemployed at the time. He's a collegiate baseball coach, but he left the job he was at, cause he didn't align with that. So he was kind of a stay-at-home dad at that point. And I was the breadwinner and I felt really good about taking everything on. I was like pro woman, I got this. I can run the high, I can bring in all the money and I can do this, and I could be the mom and I could do that.
And I did it for about a year, maybe a year and a half. And then I just hit this point. And some stuff happened at work where I realized I'm just a number. They don't actually care about me. They're putting on this good front, but they don't truly care about me in this position. And I came home and started to talk to my husband, and this is the basis of the book. My husband and I got into an argument and I realized when I would go into an argument, everything about me would change, my voice would get soft, my shoulders would slump in. And I'd be like, you are right. I'm wrong. You are superior. I'm inferior. I would say these things. He didn't do anything interesting to do this. And I just realized this was this cocoon safe space that I would go in and he goes, Megan, you're in charge of million dollars at your job and tons of people, and yet you act like this.
He's like, why do you do that? And that day I heard it differently. I go, why do I act like this? Why do I act like this? And that is literally the catalyst that the selfish hour because then I'm like, who am I? Why do I act like this? Why do I think this way? Why am I in this job? I started to question everything from him just saying that one day. And so I realized that I needed to work on myself, but my day was so much about everybody else. It was about kids, it was about work, it was about dinner, it was about blah da da da da da. There was no time left in my day for me. So that's why I got up an hour earlier than my family, five 30 to six 30. And I just started working on myself.
I started journaling. I started meditating. I literally the first day Googled meditation for beginners. Like, okay, 10 minutes, solve my problems, put my AirPods in, solve the problems. And I sucked. I couldn't stop thinking about why is this and I got to pay the bills and I got to do this and da, da, da da. It was a total journey, but that's where it started. And I did that every single day for two years straight. And that's what changed my entire life. And I started to figure out ME. I started to look at our relationships and what I realized was that base story, that core, I call it a core red light story that was stopping me from saying I'm stupid. That's what would become present in those arguments I had with Nick, because I look at him, he's very smart, he is intelligent, and he is commanding of his presence.
And when he would say something, I would instantly go into this little 11 year old me and I'd be like, you're right, I'm wrong. And I would go into that place and that I didn't even realize that 11 year old me was still there, our inner child part. I didn't know who she was. I didn't know it was there. But that's through this my selfish hour. And through this work, I was able to understand her and realize her presence in my life. And I realized that everything I did, I was running through this filter of I'm stupid. So I wouldn't speak up at work on things that I believed in. I wouldn't do this because I was like, I didn't want to do certain things because I didn't want people to see that I was stupid. So that's how that journey began. But it changed my relationship with my husband.
It changed my relationship with my kids. It literally changed my entire life. That's within a year. I quit my job. I did. I completely changed everything. And why I went into mindset coaching and it's so meaningful to me is because I rewired my brain to get to where I am now. But I didn't realize it was an issue until he said that. And I just thought it was our relationship. Well, even though I'm the one working and he's unemployed right now, I still saw him as superior and me inferior. And it was only because that was my 11 year old self that would show up in those moments. Wow. Crazy, right? Yeah.
Well, I mean I've, listen, I've been teaching meditation for years and all that, and I'm a believer and it's so interesting. It has to be our own idea asking, totally telling someone to meditate. It's asking them to give you their bank account information and just, until it's your idea, until that thing happens, whatever that is. Whether it's like you go into your 11 year old self, someone actually won't say, calls you out on it, but mentions it. Why do you do this? You're like, I don't know. Oh gosh, I do that.
Yeah, why do I do that? And I was 35 years old at that point and I'm like, why do I do that? I don't know. But then that whole journey set me up when I started to really, cause I realized in order to get to your future, you have to go through your past and you have to close some doors of the past to be able to get to your future. And that's kind of the journey that I went on. But it helped me to see why I chose certain partners in relationships, why I chose certain jobs, why I stayed here longer than I should have. Why was I with that person? You could start to see the trend in all the people. My husband's exactly the opposite of everybody I ever dated. And I'm like, oh, isn't that interesting as you start to look at it?
Yeah, it's because I was trying to finally figure myself out. Cause I didn't get married till I was 30. And honestly, I had a lot of gaps where I never even dated or wanted a relationship cause I was so focused on my career and because of all the issues with my dad and my brothers, this is part of the book where I talk about I didn't trust a man. I assume men would make you cry and they're going to be dishonest with you because that was the environment that I grew up in and they're just going to be drunks and that's what it's going to be. And I didn't want any deal with it with that. I don't deal with that. I'm like pro woman. I am going to run an office and drive a sports car and wear sassy shoes and designer sunglasses. That was my sole focus.
But I can do it all by myself.
You can do it all by yourself. I was even okay with going to have a baby by myself. I was totally, that was going to be because I could not get past trusting a man from the environment that I grew up in. Oh,
But then I met this guy Nick, and he totally changed everything. We met on match.com and were engaged two months later.
What I did not know that.
He Rocked my world. Now we're 13 years in and it's been the most amazing journey ever.
I love it. I love it. Anything else you want to tell me about the book? Maybe some things that I haven't seen? What's inside for us?
So the book is really all about different ventures. I shouldn't say adventures. Different things that I had gone through in my life that I rediscovered in my selfish hours and was able to, I say it's almost like I was looking into a crystal ball and was able to look back at my life and go, that's why you did that and this is why this happened. And it leads it all up to different journeys throughout my life of, I call it some of the villains. Like I said, my life was kind of like a video game, but the biggest villain that I had and all of it was really my mind in going through everything I did and learning how to tame that villain throughout all of it. And really I had to create a relationship with that 11 year old me in order to get through it.
But what I read in so many books when I was going through this was forget about it, push it away, don't think about it. And that didn't work for me because I'm like 11 year old me is in my d n a, it's who I am. She shows up all the time for me. So was really, I was watching Frozen for the gajillionth time with my daughters and Elsa was on there and she was trying to fight her power inside of her. She was trying to fight her younger self. And then she goes, oh, it's love if you just love her. And that was my breakthrough moment, to really understand how to connect with my younger self instead of pushing her away or trying to drown her out with alcohol or lift weights to push her out literally if I just loved on her. And that was the shift that I talk about in the book instead of pushing away my younger self, I loved her and I let her know that she is, she's heard and she's seen and she's safe and she's okay. And I got this. And that was the big shift for me. Don't push that younger part of you away because all she ever wanted was to be loved and accepted and heard.
And I think the more we push that away, there are opportunities, things that happen in our life that are going to bring all of that up to the surface. And it's usually, and this is what I've learned in my own life and what I see in my friends and my clients, it's going to be the worst possible time someone dies. Just say, this happened in my family and all hell broke loose. And then everything comes out at this weird time. And I'm like, I was talking to my dad about something that happened. I won't go into it right now, but he is just like, I just can't believe this is happening. I'm like, really? You can't believe this is happening?
I'm like, that's what happens. This is how it works. This is what happens when we push all that down. It is going to come up at the worst time. So dealing with it, I think is planning ahead of time that we talk about in coaching. Okay, if we push it off, which we're all guilty of, I don't want to think about that, but dealing with it right now and just like, okay, this really sucks, but sorry, this really sucks, but I'm going to deal with it so it doesn't have to blow up later. Now I see that absolutely. A lot of people the blow up, right?
100%. And I talk a lot that about that a lot in the book as well. But the book is super relatable because I talk about these mindset struggles, your younger version of yourself comparison and why wanted my daughter to dress a certain way so moms wouldn't judge me and all of these. Yeah, absolutely. And then I realized when she was in tears that she didn't care what she dressed, she was comfortable and she was happy, but it was me trying to fit in. So moms weren't like, well, why is her daughter dressed all crazy in her hair? And now we have a rule in our house, we're as long as it's weather appropriate, you wear what you want, be yourself, go out there and rock it. I don't even, but those are the lessons that are in the book and it's super relatable. Even there is one chapter towards the end where there's a me too chapter where I went through my own struggles with an abusive relationship just like everybody else. And here's what happened. I shouldn't say just like everybody else. Several people have gone through a
Lot of us.
I was on a big coaching session, there were a hundred people on a Zoom and it's a free coaching where you could just raise your hand and say, Hey, this is really what I need coaching on. And the one woman started out by saying I was sexually abused when I was younger and I don't have, feel like I have a voice today. So I'm trying to build a business, but my voice, I don't feel like I have a voice to come out and say the things. And it's really holding me back. And she was probably in her fifties that said this. And that happened in her young years. And then what happened on this call was
All the hands raised up,
All the hands went up, the chat went crazy. And I'm sitting there trying to control this zoom where I just had this breakdown and I, it was really eyeopening to see, I bet you 70% of the call, I'm sure some of the women didn't even speak up. But the one woman was in her seventies and started crying and said, I've never spoken about it. Can you imagine holding onto that for so many years in living with that
So many people.
And then I get off the call and later that night my husband's like, how was your day? And I told him about it. And he goes, well, did you share your story? And I go, well, what are you talking about? I, because I was so into coaching and I was so about everybody else on that call, nothing to do with me. I was just being public. Think about me. Well, I was just so present for everybody else. And then he's like, you should have shared your story. And I was like, I totally forgot because I like everybody else, shove it in this little corner of my mind of what happened. And so I brought that out in the book and I talk about my own experience of being in an abusive relationship in my teens with my first boyfriend.
I mean, I think so many women are going to really, really get so much out of that once we start talking about the things like, Hey, we're both not drinking in my thirties. I would've been like, that's never going to happen. No.
Yeah, that's not
In my fifties. I'm like, it's the best thing. I can sleep. I can sleep. I don't feel awful. And I'm wondering why would I feel so bad all the
Time? Yeah. So this book I just share, all of the skeletons in my closet are out there. And I had a little bit of fear about that too. Cause I'm like, my daughters are going to read this book someday and be like, whoa. So Mom struggled with drinking. She was in an abusive relationship. She had really bad mindset issues. She did all these things. But the book is written from a place of being healed and of healing.
Not a victim. It is not a victim book. It is a place of healing. So I share my stories, but I also give practical tips of this is how I went through it, this is what helped. Here are some things that you can do to help yourself with this too. And after the book launches, I'm also going to do a six week course of the selfish hours so I could help women create their own selfish hours, learn how to create boundaries, and learn how to create schedules. So you are prioritizing yourself and not everybody else first. And I just really want to teach other women how to do this because to me, it's life. It's literally changed my life just is so important. So I redefine selfish in the book because a lot of times, especially moms or working women will hear the word selfish and be like, I don't want to be selfish. And they instantly put a negative connotation to it. But what I define selfish as is taking care of oneself first and filling your cup so you can pour more into others. And being selfish really means you care so much about others that you're willing to put yourself first to be the best for yourself and everybody else. So selfish really means love for oneself first.
I love it. When I owned my yoga studio, we would have women come in and they would just be all into it. And then sometimes as you do, you quit coming to yoga or whatever, and I would see like, oh, hey, you're back. And they're like, yeah, my family, they would either say my husband or my kids or my boss was like, you go to yoga because you're just better. You are less stressed. You're not shouty that hour, hour and a half of whatever it is, whatever time of the day it is. I think you see the difference, but it's not 100%,
It's so huge and it's absolutely needed. And if people say it's not, or people say, I can't fit into my day, then I challenge you to look at your phone because it'll tell you how long you're on social media. Oh, you scrolled social media for two and a half hours today. Don't tell me you can't stop an hour of that and work on yourself. It
Gives you a breakdown of the week. I'm like,
What? Yeah, you do have the time. You're just choosing not to do it.
Exactly. Well, wrapping up here, just going to just highlight what do you want people to take away from our conversation today?
We didn't really say this word and hear it a lot, but in our coaching, in my book, in a lot of what we do, it's all about choice. And you get to choose the life that you want, the thoughts that you want, the direction, yet you want your life to go. It is all about choice. And the reason that you and I are even on the zoom is that we chose to become certified life coaches. We chose, you chose to start a podcast, and you chose to move things forward. So many women that I see, they just settle, oh, this is what it is. This is what life dealt me, this is how I do it. And they feel like they don't have a choice. And the biggest thing for all of your listeners is to say that you are in full control and you do have a choice.
A choice of your thoughts and a choice of your feelings. I try to teach my girls all the time because they'll say, she made me do this or she made me feel this way. And I'm always like, no one can tell you how you feel. You choose that because if I can teach them before they're 11 years old, what I had to learn in my forties, can you imagine what they're capable of? Oh, I love it. So that's my biggest thing for people to take away from this is the whole part of my book is all about, I just realized I had a choice. And when I said the beginning, I created a life from a life I didn't want. That was my choice. And I just moved in that direction to make it happen.
You are absolutely an example of what is possible. Be the person, be the example of what's possible, and you're like, I have that choice.
I can do that.
Yeah, and I mean, you were the perfect example of what's possible. I love the whole line of discomfort being the currency of your dreams.
Discomfort is the currency of our dreams. Yes, 100%. Because choices can be done, but they're not always, they're not easy. No. What they're still going to be like, I talked about it this weekend and sometimes when I'm on stage and I'm speaking, things come out and I'm like, I can't believe I just shared that. But I would be on the floor crying in the fetal position of "why did I quit my six figure job?" I can't believe I did this. I screwed up our entire life. But then I would get up and show up, and then I would shake it off and I'd read, write my thoughts, and I would show up on social, or I would do a live, or I would message some people and would do things and move my business forward. And then when nobody would respond, I would cry again.
And what am I doing? And that you can make choices to move your life forward, but it doesn't mean it's not going to come without discomfort and without awkwardness and without struggles. But it's always be bigger than your biggest excuse because you're going to have all these excuses that say, go watch Netflix. Go. You don't have to do that. Just go do laundry. Go be productive. You don't need to move your business forward, but you have to be bigger than any excuse that you can give yourself. And that is the only reason that my life is moving forward at the trajectory that it is, is I keep being bigger than my biggest excuse. That's it. Because there are a lot of excuses. Yeah.
We could always find a good excuse. Thank you so much, Megan. Okay, one more time. Plug everything before we go. Oh, woo,
May 3rd. You can buy the book Amazon, anywhere you buy books. You can get the selfish hour available on May 3rd, or you can get a sneak peek of the intro and the first chapter you can download at my website, www.meganspeaks.com. And through there, you can also link over to my social media, Instagram, and Facebook. Follow me everywhere and let me know that you heard me on this podcast.
Perfect. Thank you so much. I love you so much.
Thank you. I love you too. This was fantastic. I can talk to you for another couple hours.
Okay. So before we go, I have something special for you. I created a three-step guide to creating peace with your mother. This three-step guide is filled with relationship insights, tips, and thoughtful questions to help you create peace with your mother. And there is a bonus for you. It's a healing meditation for your most challenging relationships. It's called The Healing Thread. The link to the guide is in the show notes and on the top banner of my website. Just go to www.rachelkhudson.com.